Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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