I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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