You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
nutella sex= disaster
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
