Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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