I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
ok first of all what the fuck
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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