I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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