Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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