apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
