Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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