is your mom at the bar?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
...so i touched it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
