I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need to wash the frat house off of me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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