My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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