i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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