My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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