Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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