so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
