my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
