hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
wow bdsm is so cute
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
