I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
