A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
