oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
