Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
