I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think my fart just growled at me.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
