Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just found puke in my bra..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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