wanna go halves on a baby?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
