Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
