you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
