it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
nutella sex= disaster
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Randomize
