Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
