You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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