He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
