Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
