just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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