omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize