Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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