i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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