im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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