Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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