I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
