I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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