Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
