sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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