The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
