I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize