what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
