i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Randomize
