he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
