guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
