Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize