Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Congratulations! We have a period
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
