Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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