So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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