I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
