I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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