i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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